Picture from the Huffington Post
As I get older, I realize more and more how we as women can make toxic decisions based on ideals which actually work against us.
I recently stumbled across a popular figure from Antigua- Shermain Jeremy’s blog. Now this woman is the daughter of a politician, educated and a beauty pageant queen. I was taken aback when I read her blog sharing some of the struggles that she went through within her marriage and life in general. Being as accomplished as she is, I had difficulty thinking that she would have fallen victim to societal pressure to follow the oftentimes monolithic path laid out for us as women. You can read her blog by clicking here.
I mentioned how I was so encouraged by Shermain’s blog to a fellow woman. The story she wound up sharing with me- her own, literally, made my eyes well up. The marriage that she had sounded like hell on earth and the emotional turmoil she would have survived is a testimony of the strength of the human spirit. She said, sometimes, we as women, we just are afraid of embarrassment. She said, she can be such a people pleaser and would do so much for others and neglect herself.
It caused me to look more closely at the situations which women put up with in an effort to “save face” and not be considered failures as women. Sometimes, we get in relationships because it is seen as a validating move. How can our lives be rich, fulfilling and how can we be of value if we haven’t been “chosen” as yet. When we get to into relationships, there is so much pressure to prove we can “please” and “keep” a man it is as if it is was a profession that we put up with things in hope of getting male validation. We sometimes believe the lie that if we aren’t treated correctly in a relationship, we are at fault and like the character Boxer in George Orwell’s Animal Farm, we think all can be solved by working harder.
We have children because the biological clock is about to expire. We do it thinking it can keep a man or it’s just the natural thing to do without thinking about whether we truly want to become mothers. I have had people up in my womb wondering when I will prove my worth as a human being by reproducing. Forget if I am emotionally or financially prepared to be a mother. Someone literally recommended, “Make sure you have one before you hit 30.” Parenthood is just a life-long commitment to tick off the to- do list it seems.
Now marriage and childhood can of course be great and fulfilling (think Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s We Should All Be Feminists clip here) but do we really want these things? Are we making the decisions to enter these life- changing situations with consideration for ourselves and what we truly want? Do we want to marry this bum dude or are we just too afraid to start over? Do we want to have a child now or go back to school?
I think it is so difficult for us to figure out who we are and what we really want because there are so many voices telling us what out ideals should be.
How many times have we heard the term, “husband material”, dubbed a man as “classy” for being soft- spoken and docile? How often do we see men being held to the fire for being irresponsible in relationships and fatherhood?
The pressure to fit into the mold of a “good woman” can easily lead to us feeling anything but good. We can easily be lost in a fog trying to figure out what we really want because society has been telling us what we should want. We nay put our dreams on hold, believing the man we date or marry will indefinitely provide all of our needs according to his richness in glory.
But I challenge us as women to take hold of ourselves. I dare us to shamelessly put ourselves first. Even typing that sentence there was a bit of hesitation because it is so unusual to hear this message but it needs to be done. I remember a lecturer at the University of the West Indies Mona Campus, Dr. Lisa Tomlinson mention the issues with the narrative of the strong, black woman. The woman who can take in loads of toxic but cannot only survive but thrive in it all. She said that narrative made light of the mental issues black women would have faced because of the tumultuous situations they would have been in.
Ladies, we are amazingly, beautiful, strong, talented creatures. But we don’t have to put ourselves through hell to prove it. Let’s take the time now to love and cherish ourselves. Let’s put us first.
musingsofme 