Insecure Season Finale

Yes, this post is hella late so let’s get right to it.

The season finale of HBO’s successful show Insecure was dubbed Hella Perspective as the show displayed what was happening in the lives of key characters- Lawrence, Molly and Issa.

 

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Lawrence showing up at the apartment he once shared with Issa. Photo from Spoiler TV

We see that Lawrence actually pursued a relationship with Aparna but he is battling insecurities as he knows that Aparna slept with a co- worker and she seems to be quite comfy with said co-worker to date. Mr. Lawrence just does not know how to be single and is walking about bruised from Issa cheating on him. He gets into an argument with Aparna in his car over her relationship with the co- worker when Aparna sees a call coming in from Issa on Lawrence’s phone and she walks out. Oh and I’m ready for Lawrence to walk out of this show because he is hella boring.

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Molly at work meeting. Photo from YouTube

Moving on, we see that Molly is back to seeing her therapist (YAY!) and decides to open up herself to the possibility of dating the brother with the “pastor’s body.” This is where I had to say nay. I saw people on social media saying that Molly should give this man a chance after the previous episode but I do not believe in forcing feelings in a relationship. Yes, be open to the possibility of doing things outside the norm but please do not force the feelings. Molly, open up yourself to possibly seeing this guy romantically but do not try to conjure something that isn’t there. All I could see coming from someone doing something like this is hurt, pain and possible cheating because you find out later on that you really are not interested in the person on that level.

Anyway, we see Molly being a good friend to Issa and the two ladies dressing up in traditional Moroccan garb (Issa got the man’s garment while Molly got the lady’s wear, lol :D) as Issa could not afford to go on an exotic vacation. We also see Sister Molly trying on some lingerie and opens the door looking like she’s ready for some action… and who’s outside the door? Dro. 😦 😦 😦 NNNNNNOOOOO!!!!! I really do not get what Molly sees in Dro. She knows she cannot have a flourishing relationship with this man so why is she still messing with him? If it is just sex, we saw that she had no issue in that department in previous episodes so she needs to just let No… I mean Dro go.

 

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Issa supporting Kelli at marathon. Photo from Colour

Then we reach Issa. Issa decidess to move in with her brother because she cannot afford the rising rent. She has to do a final walk through and her brother gives her a ride back to the old apartment. Before moving out, Issa told Lawrence that he could come and collect his “bouch” between a certain time because she wouldn’t be there. But when Issa came into the house she saw Lawrence there where they had a heart to heart discussion that many people said was needed. I’m the type of person who doesn’t need an apology to forgive or move on but Issa and Lawrence benefited from the discourse as Lawrence FINALLY said that he wasn’t ish for the past two years. #growth The two tell each other that they love each other and Lawrence begins to leave but turns around, drops on one knee, asks Issa to marry him and their future just goes on to be sunlight bright… in Issa’s head. But Lawrence bids Issa farewell in real life.

Then we see Issa showing up at someone’s house and we could foresee that living with her brother would have been problematic because he is just tew much (spelling deliberate) but when Issa shows up at the house, who answers the door? Sexy body Daniel and Issa says, “I’m sleeping on the couch” and Daniel nonchalantly responds with, “I know.”  Some persons online were disappointed in Issa “going back” to Daniel but I see no issues. She has a history with Daniel that made her feel comfortable enough to cheat on Lawrence with him, she and Lawrence are over soooooo…. what’s the problem?

Miscellaneous happenings:

  • Issa got demoted at work for failure to report Principal Gaines’ prejudice whereas Frieda got promoted.
  • Tiffany is pregnant.
  • Kelli is on a fitness journey.
  • Molly is looking for a new firm.

I think it was a good show that tied up a major loose end between Issa and Lawrence but left space for new happenings. We still don’t know if Dro is really in an open marriage, we don’t know if Issa is going to end up hurting Daniel or catching feelings for him, we don’t know if Issa is actually going to take a risk and finally get a job that pays. There are endless possibilities. I love how while this show addresses issues in the Black community as we saw with Lawrence being fetishized, unfair pay not only for women but black women and had subliminal messages with Molly sporting the “Trayvon” hoodie, I think that this show allows black women to just be women. Not role models, hood rats, prostitutes or anything extreme. Black women are portrayed as normal, regular, shmegular women and I like that.

 

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Awaiting Irma in Antigua

On September 2, there was news of a hurricane looming in the Atlantic, but it was too far away for me to start worrying. I mean the possibility of the hurricane being a 5+++ definitely was not something that was on my mind.  So that night, my family went out for an absolutely wonderful dinner at Coconut Grove restaurant located on Dickenson Bay’s beach. As we ate, we looked over at the water and couldn’t help but take note of how close the tide was coming onto the sand. I know this generally tends to happen at night and no, it is not my hap to be at the beach at night to notice any changes in this process but my interest about the hurricane increased.

As the week rolled in, I learnt that Irma (as by now you would have known the name of the now infamous system) was constantly strengthening. I believe that it was on Monday that I watched our hurricane watch become a hurricane warning and my anxiety and feeling of helplessness surfaced. The general manager of Antigua& Barbuda’s state media sent me the notice and I forwarded it to my sister. I was simply informing my sister of what was to be as I had no power of diverting this storm. My voice couldn’t calm the ocean and I knew prayers had been lifted up by persons to many gods before their imminent demise owing to natural disasters or man- made evils to no avail. However, in my resolve that what would happen will, I just hoped for the best.

The news was filled with updates on this beast named Irma. I couldn’t hide from her. She was too big and had her let her presence be made known to too many for me to avoid being reminded of her increasing, unprecedented power. People who would barely post to Facebook posted stating their absolute fear of facing a hurricane that was a category 5. The sounds of people making their preparations added to the sense of urgency. However, on Tuesday morning while I made last minute preparations as my mom, my sister and myself were going to head to my aunt’s to ride out the storm, I found it difficult to move. I was glued to the radio. Local meteorologists warned the Antiguan& Barbudan people that even if the hurricane was to make a last minute shift north, it would not be of much benefit to us because the system was so big we were still going to be quite close to the eye of the storm. However, my sister came back from work early as workers were dismissed earlier than usual to make preparations and it gave me the strength to do what needed to be done to see the “best” results after the storm.

Our shutters were closed, our furniture covered and pictures and trinkets taken down from the walls and we headed to my aunt’s home that is located more in central Antigua. Mind you, we don’t live close near the coast or in low lying areas, however, we just wanted to feel as safe as possible and thought that moving would have been the best option and the added company would have provided solace under such unfavorable circumstances.

My aunt’s 6 boys were over at her place including her newlywed son and his wife who hails from Barbuda. Every one was just wondering what the outcome of what this category 5+++ hurricane would be. I told my sister that if we made it out alive, we would have made it through the storm successfully. I started envisioning our house being cast to shambles or at least our roof being blown off. We’ve never suffered those circumstances in precious storms but Irma was not like prior storms. She was in a category of our own.

Around 8 p.m., the electricity went off and I felt like the beginning of the end had started. During the days before the storm and especially on that Tuesday, it was exceedingly hot. The night was also quite warm… and quiet. There was consistent light rainfall that I cannot remember the starting time of. I could hear the winds start to pick up as it edged towards 9 p.m. and there were some gusts that caused my heart rate to increase because I imagined that the weather would only get worse. At this time, most of my cousins had departed in different quarters of the house and her eldest son was asleep in the living room. My mom, sister, aunt and myself laid down in my aunt’s bed (it’s a big bed :D) awaiting what we were sure would be an epic arrival by Irma. From time to time I would head into the living room where I would see my cousin sleeping which was quite understandable because there was not much action going on. Around after 10 p.m., I believe, we looked through the glass door in my aunt’s room and saw one of my aunt’s neighbors outside. 😦  Some of my cousins had come into the bedroom, wondering why the neighbor was outside… and where was Irma. At around 11: 45 p.m., I started listening to a local radio station, Vybz FM where an international meteorologist provided updates and said that we could expect the storm to be at its strongest at 1 a.m. and at 3a.m. , we could expect hurricane conditions to weaken and continue to weaken at 5 a.m. Time seemed to go quickly and I remember my aunt and me checking her phone at 12:30 a.m. and feeling convinced that we would not feel the brunt of Irma’s wrath as it was so quiet, she would have a lot of work to do to become a monster at 1. However, I still couldn’t sleep and listened on as people called in to the radio station saying they were fine although someone said that his roof had blown off and he was calling in from under his bed but I am not sure whether this incident of a house being damaged to that extent in Antigua is confirmed. As persons from the eastern side of the island checked in on the radio station as safe, my aunt reassured my mom that our home would be in tact when we returned home. Four of us, listened hopefully as we laid on the bed.

It was just before 2 a.m. I believe when the deeayj said that he wanted callers from Barbuda to call in as he wanted to hear how they were faring the storm. Shortly after he said that it appeared that all contact with the sister isle had been lost. At 2 a.m. in Antigua, it was almost completely quiet. The rain had eased up and the wind had been stilled for a moment before rain started falling again. I felt that we were going to be okay. I was put at ease and I eventually fell asleep.

At around 8 the following morning, we drove home. Confident that we had a home to go to and an Antigua with some level of normalcy, we could think about our regular plans and interests because Irma was now a thing of the past. We had made it out alive and with no damage to property. A statement from our prime minister was forwarded to me stating that we were all spared… but then, later on, Prime Minister Gaston Browne visited Barbuda by helicopter being the one to enlighten us that Barbuda’s housing stock had suffered 90% damage in his estimation and that a toddler had lost his life. Barbuda, located 61.5 k north-west of Antigua was a completely different scene from the damp but in tact properties in Antigua. It was devastating. Even though I tried to prepare myself for the possibility of a desolate Antigua on Tuesday morning, it was difficult to imagine it actually happening to people in the sister island considering that we were safe in Antigua.

 

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Barbuda after Irma Photo Credit: ABS Television/ Radio FB page

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Barbudans leaving Barbuda. Photo credit: ABS Television/ Radio FB page

 

However, in the midst of it all, the Antiguan people pulled together to evacuate the people of Barbuda and to provide the needs for Barbudans. I might write another post about the outpouring of support shown by my people as including it in this post would make it longer than I would like. But what I learnt was that sometimes in life, you will have no control over what happens to you. It doesn’t mean that you are trying to victimize yourself or that you are making excuses, but there are situations in life where all you can do is hope for the best. In this case, residents of Antigua were spared but we could have easily been in the same state as the people in Barbuda. Life doesn’t provide us with reasons as why some things happen to some and why some things don’t and it doesn’t mean that anything is wrong with you. It’s just life, we’re only human and we don’t have control over it all.

Police pon Patrol!

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Photo from medium.com

 

Today, I went to a hotel with a friend to collect a check that he was owed as he has a band that plays at the entity. As we arrived at the hotel, he gave his brother (who was driving the car) the instruction to pull over to the side to speak with the security. As my friend opened the door to speak to the security guard, the guard already started to shake his head indicating the negative. I sat in the car thinking that my friend hadn’t even started speaking as yet but the security guard already assumed and exhibited that whatever it is that we were there for, he could help us. However, my friend communicated his business to the guard and another worker called inside to verify that indeed there was a check for my friend to go and collect. As my friend sat back in the vehicle, he said, “He nah even mek me talk. He already min a shake he head. Me nah know when arwe aguh lub people who ah arwe own skin color. He just see four black people inna di car (another young lady was in the vehicle) and he start behave so. If arwe min white, me sure he wouldn’t deh ah act so.” What he communicated in standard English is that the man already had a negative reaction from seeing four black people in a car at the hotel, however, if we were white, we would get different treatment and he wonders when black people are going to start loving ourselves.

Living in an island that is populated primarily by black people has made me aware that there is  a policing of black people that goes on within our borders and oftentimes, we are our own oppressors. As much as I am aware that we have been systematically targeted for failure and being socially stagnant by the “white man”, sometimes I feel like black people being able to make something of themselves, push down barriers and have access to places that were unofficially reserved for whites is an affront to some black people. My sister said that once she went to a restaurant and wanted parking and the security guard denied her entry, however, when some white people arrived, he allowed them entry and said, “Ah dem hab di money.” Also, I had an experience at a cosmetics store that sold a foundation that I was fond of years ago. When I requested assistance from the store clerk, she asked me why I decided to come during cruise ship season. 😐 Let me tell you something about Antiguan people, Antiguan people love spending money and living life. If there is a gift exchange, Christmas season, Valentine’s Day or the birthday of a loved one, black, Antiguan people would frequent that cosmetics store that doubles as a perfumery. Antiguan people aid in keeping that store open. Antiguans have complained about tourists coming off of cruise ships and just browsing stores and not buying anything, however, when a black, local shows up, I was quarantined to the side and ridiculed for daring to be in the store around the same time that tourists would be present. In another situation, my sister went to a store to purchase a cellular phone and she told me that the sales clerk appeared to be offended that she was purchasing the phone in store when there are cheaper alternatives. She said the sales clerk said, “You know you could have purchased the phone online unless you are a lawyer.” She said she felt like the clerk wanted an explanation as to how she was able to afford the phone.

I’ve heard of wealthy, black Americans receiving the “nigger treatment” which is promised to awaken them to see that regardless of how successful they are, the white man still sees them as niggers. But how about how we see ourselves? When you work hard and honestly for your money, no one has the right to question how you decide to spend your money, where you go or the treatment you deserve. We shouldn’t see ourselves through our former enslavers to determine how we are treated, however, it seems that some black people enjoy policing the lives of other black people because seeing other black people thrive is an affront to them. I have heard a lecturer in Jamaica recite having similar experiences in Jamaica where her presence in certain stores is unwelcomed as she is a black, nappy haired woman. We as black people sometimes like to see our black brothers and sisters berated because it somehow makes us feel better about ourselves. We try to invalidate the success of some black people and remind them of their state of “niggerness”  because we just cannot live with the idea that the nappy headed boy from down the road has managed to make something of himself. As Popcaan would say, “Dem nah war we fi own no asset.”

We as black people should go off duty… actually, we should quit policing other black people. We more than any race know how difficult it is to progress in this world. When we see someone moving up in life or hell, even ENJOYING life for crying out loud, we should not perpetuate racist, segregationist ideals that infringe on their right to go up the social mobility ladder or to simply enjoy the pleasures of life. The mentality of liking to see people do good but being full of anger and hate to see people do better than us needs to be eradicated. We are all created equally and deserve to be treated  with respect despite our socio- economic position and regardless of the color of our skin.

Blame it on her

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Picture from FreeImages.com

She creeps into your happy family uninvited and takes him away from the place that he wants to be. The place where he has been given everything he needs from a good woman… but this woman, ugh she just had to come along and “wreck” your beautiful home. She must have low self- esteem. You want to post something on social media about her with #knowyourworth. She must be uneducated, hungry for his money and she must look quite awful. Dry weave, overweight and a terrible sense of fashion. This is how I usually hear women who sleep with married men described. I am not an advocate for cheating but I feel enough conviction on this topic to call this depiction of the other woman as bullshit.

I refuse to believe that women who claim to be as virtuous as they are, “wife material”, virgins until their wedding night, do the house work, submit to their husbands, try to keep themselves up and healthy are marrying men who lack the ability to make the decision of whether they want to stick their penises into people other than their wives. Women, I am tired of you making excuses for men deciding to cheat and trying to make the other woman look more villainous than the man so here I am, writing about some of the crap I hear when women discuss the other woman.

She’s ugly.

Yes and so is Angelina Jolie. The other woman can be any woman. Your broken heart may want to force you to believe that your man delights in messing with an ugly duckling but it says quite a bit if he’d fuck an ugly duckling while he has you at home either way.

She’s looking for a come- up.

Sometimes men become successful and feel that they need a young, hot thing in their life for their ego. But sometimes, it isn’t that simple. He just might be having an affair with a woman who is “on the same level” as him. In my short life I’ve worked at a fair amount of places and I can say that sometimes people wind up becoming very attracted to the people that they spend most of their waking hours with- their co-workers. Infidelity on the part of a man does not always have to be him becoming involved with a subordinate. Sometimes maybe the woman he has taken on this extra- marital affair with is married herself and a mother of four. So there goes your defence of her not being wife material. But sometimes attraction goes further than it should and people wind up looking for emotional support and sexual satisfaction from the people they work with.

She has low self- esteem.

Yet you are the one brooding over her. Okay, maybe she does have low self-esteem but many women do and act it out in different ways. As much as I’d like to believe in women propelling each other forward in the name of sisterhood I know that thinking is more Utopian than realistic. Women have been socialised to see other women as their competition. Women are taught to be beautiful, gentle, soft, quiet, chaste and a myriad of other things which has left a lot of women with low self- esteem… not just the woman who has “taken” your man.

Side chicks need to know their place.

How about your man not inviting her into your place? Once an infidelity has taken place in a relationship, the integrity has been compromised. And guess what, wifeys? The sanctity of your marriage does not rest squarely on your shoulders. I am tired of women saying they are trying to keep the relationship together while the man is doing everything to tear it apart. The man has already been in that woman’s special place. Please pardon her if she now does not know her margins and feels bold enough to step to you.

Coming to you as a woman…

This is you, wifey, making a plea to the other woman to think of the marriage that you are trying to salvage and the children that you have with this man. You of course must tell her that your last child is only one because communicating with a woman that you may or may not know but certainly aren’t married to makes more sense to you than pleading with your husband. I mean, he pledged to honour and respect you, planted those kids in your womb and was there when all 5 of them were delivered but hot damn, the other woman ought to be the one to have some compassion for you. Brilliant.

Karma will get you.

Yeah and I’m still waiting for karma to meet up with the families of those who profited from the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade, reparation and the end of white supremacy. Karma is a bitch but apparently, she is a petty one. The things that she decides to make right while ignoring the many inequalities in the world leave me to question her priorities. If a man is willing to cheat on his wife, I think that it would only become easier for him to continue the practice of cheating even with a new woman. He is who he is and I think that a side- chick becoming a main chick to being slighted by a new side chick just has to do with the character of the man and not an esoteric force called karma.

This post may sound like I am in support of the side chick. I am not. I am in support of facing reality. The cold, hard truth which may be the man that you are with does not love and respect you. Maybe the person you are with right now is a person that you can build a healthy and lasting relationship with but the timing is wrong which has led to infidelities. Maybe we are the problem and are legitimately annoying as fuck to deal with. Men cheat. Women cheat. But when it comes to a woman being cheated on by her man, we need to stop placing our value on how much we think a man can love us. We cannot own another human being. We cannot make a person treat us right. The fun part of it should be someone of their own volition doing right by us. We want loyalty and may deserve it but we can’t force it and we need to accept that and stop trying to blame the other woman for our inability to force attributes of love from a man that we cannot control. Love, relationships and cheating is not black and white. But how about we try to hold the person we are in the relationship with accountable for their actions for a change?

 

We are society

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Feeling fat? Longing after a big derriere, incredibly small waist and supple breast? Remember when a few years ago, your concern was that maybe your butt was too big… at least in white culture? Or what about your hair? You have decided to accept yourself by doing the big chop and embracing your natural curls. Curls? Well, that is what you were expecting when you went natural but your hair seems to have a mind of its own. So lately, you have been trying every technique to “define your curls.”

What is the cause of all this discontentment that we seem to face in every aspect of our lives? At one point, I remember it was the media that was to be blamed. By media, I mean the mainstream media that people believed were responsible for pushing only one idea of beauty. However, in recent times, there has been an explosion in the amount of persons establishing their own platforms. New media is the thing. I remember watching YouTube videos that had not so good lighting and just appearing to be more “normal.” I have officially moved very far away from looking at the television for anything whether news or entertainment related. Print media is definitely on the decline and people are getting their news from people that they think they can trust more and those who they think do not have the agendas of those dominating mainstream media. But with the shift towards new media, citizen journalism and the like is a shift in blame for the low self-esteem and discontentment that seems to cripple us. Instead of blaming magazines and commercials on t.v., people are now blaming Instagram. How is this so? Certainly, we didn’t start following insert favorite YouTuber name here for their perfect lighting, Instagram baddie looks and for a tour of their high-rise apartment but that is what a lot of beauty YouTubers have come to and what we expect to see. The reason for this is because we are the problem. We can blame society- a term that we oftentimes use as if we are excluded from what comprises it. Society, you and me, we like shiny, fancy stuff. We like notions of grandeur and perfection even if our lives are light years away from these ideals. We want to be able to live vicariously through others and express disappointment when people do not seem to have it all together. I mean, our personal lives are in shambles but hey, this isn’t about us. Our idols (as we have elevated many persons to this position) must by all means live out the lives that we deem to be ideal to make us feel better even if at the end of watching a string of YouTube travel vlogs, we feel worse.

Sometimes when we think we are making progress in owning who we are, we regress before we make progress. As mentioned before, we see persons going natural and instead of embracing their natural hair, they embrace someone else’s natural hair. We do not know how a loving, fruitful relationship looks like in real life, so we hashtag every pic of our favorite online couple that we have never met in real life #relationshipgoals. I think that sometimes, we do not know what we want in life. We don’t know the meaning of beautiful, so we embrace other people’s idea of beauty to the point where we are all looking the same with thick brows done with Anastasia Beverly Hills Dipbrow Pomade, our face is contoured and highlighted to the point that it could make Rupaul jealous, we are wearing a faux septum ring, clear heels, a body-con dress from Fashion Nova and we pose for the ‘Gram in the same pose done by every other woman. I’m not saying that being in this world we will not get inspired by others and we will not come across new things that we’ll genuinely fall in love with (for example, I didn’t think I would become a Fashion Nova customer but now I am😀😀😀) but we shouldn’t allow ourselves to feel pressured into doing things. We should not feel that we should have to accept another person’s ideals, not only when it comes to appearance but when it comes to anything- whether you date, marry, have children, travel the world, go to university or anything else. Take into account who you truly are and if you don’t know who that is just yet, take the time to find yourself. I am on that journey and I know it will be a life- long one. Do not view another person’s life as “ideal” and what everyone should aspire to. We shouldn’t put pressure on people to be things that we ourselves are not simply because of our own insecurities and expectations of what we should be. Take time to breathe and find yourself.

We are society. We can be the change we want to see. 

Equal rights and justice for all…

 

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Photo from European Movement International.

In the bedroom that is. Dancehall artiste Ishawna has come out to say something that has probably been on the minds of many women. Ishawna declares in her song, “Equal Rights” that she can go lick for lick with a man in the bedroom. If a man wants oral sex, he by all means should be willing to “deal with me like a bag juice.”  The song, as you can imagine has caused major backlash on social media, primarily by men might I add, with some saying that the song is “promoting slackness” and that it promotes whore like behavior. :|This just goes to show the lack of logic undertaken by men who blindly follow the rules and regulations of masculinity in the Caribbean and namely in Jamaica. How does a woman requesting that she receives equal pleasure to what she is giving her partner equate to whoring? Why does a woman’s vagina that has been sang about in many different ways by male artistes suddenly become the most repulsive thing, especially when a man in most cases would be down for getting a blow job? Now, I am not suggesting that you have to be into oral sex; if it’s not your thing, fine. If your girl does not want you to “chew on her like French fries” but she will give you a “shine”… cool. But if you are in a relationship and you like fellatio, why is it that returning the favor is abominable? Why is it that by all means, you must stick to the rules of manliness laid out by men whose sexual lives you do not know?

 

 

Some guys would say, they wouldn’t share a spliff with their male friends because they don’t know if their friends “bow.” But have any of these men stopped to think, the young lady that is doing such a great job at shining their rifle, just might be that good at it because she has done it before? So some men have no reservations about sharing a spliff with a woman who just may have had some penises in her mouth before but a man who has sucked a vagina is gross? Some men want to look so macho to other men it sometimes makes me wonder which side of the fence they are on.

Gage made a song about fellatio in 2014 and it did cause a buzz, actually it’s the only song that I can name from the artiste and the song raised interest but the outrage of oral sex being performed on a  man being unacceptable was not a sentiment that I remember coming across. Even now when I look back at comments on the song’s video, the song received positive comments from both sexes. But, how dare a woman in 2017 come out and say that for a man to get head he must service her first? Criminal, isn’t it? I don’t believe that in changing times and globalization that every trend that comes out a person has to subscribe to, but, double standards should be erased. The notion of the “ever- blessed pum pum” that has been praise by many in the dancehall sphere and entered into without a shield of protection is something that is mentioned in numerous dancehall songs but don’t you get your lips close to it although your woman has made your day by pleasing you with her mouth, because her genitalia is dirty. Remember, blood comes from there… even though urine comes from your penis.

The outrage is rooted in  sexism to me. I know that everyone is  quick to play social justice warrior now and look for something to be mad about but I am not mad. As I have said before, I have no problem with a man not wanting to give his woman oral sex provided that he does not expect to receive it and if for whatever reason a woman is fine with not getting cunnilingus performed on her for whatever reason but is willing to go down on her man- I see nothing wrong with that. It’s the hypocrisy in men receiving blowjobs and accepting it as a norm but demonizing women receiving the same that irks me. #EqualRightsandJusticeforAll

Are you pressed by self- governing women?

We doing this or wah ?!? 👙: @_mariecollette_

A post shared by Kaci Fennell (@kacifen) on

Jamaican beauty queen, Kaci Fennell is in Trinidad for Carnival and appears to be more than ready for the road. Fennell, who placed fourth in the 2014 Miss Universe pageant posted the above picture to her Instagram feed that seems to have raised the ire of many. Foota Hype (a Jamaican personality) decided to take it upon himself to repost Kaci’s image with the caption, ” don’t care if this is miss Jamaica or miss world this nuh look good u favor ediot carnival mek u degrade uself exposing uself smfh better u did come a one dance Inna one batty rider” and then added  #ilovedancehall

The cultural issues that seem to be involved with Jamaicans embracing Carnival I will not get into because I simply can’t relate. In many Caribbean islands, the festival is put on by the government and is embedded in the culture  whereas in Jamaica, the “franchise” is privately owned and seems to cause a divide between different social strata so the implications of some Jamaicans being Carnival fans while not embracing dancehall culture is something that I am able to speak on.

However, what I will address is how perturbed some people are with the decisions that grown women make in their own lives. Kaci, in her clap back to Foota’s statement said that she wore her outfit for her- not for the sake of anyone else. However, some people seemed to believe that Kaci did not have the autonomy to make such a call. In comments on news and social media sites, some stated that  Kaci as a married woman ought to dress better. One person asked, “Would you feel good to know that your daughter or wife dresses this way?” But why is it that some seemed to overlook whether Kaci, the person actually sporting the ensemble felt comfortable in what she was wearing? Why did the morality of what she had on have to lie with someone other than her? I don’t get it. If you do not like the outfit, fine. If you found it to be distasteful, fine. But what made other persons qualified to dictate what a woman should wear? Why should a woman be obligated to put the feelings of others over her own in choosing her attire?

To whom it may concern, I never respond to hate like this but something inside me couldn't allow myself to see this and brush it off like I usually do, especially with what our women have been going through recently. I have grown to completely ignore comments like these. This type of man here is a big part of the problem we are currently facing, not everything I do will be accepted by everyone and there is nothing wrong with that, the problem lies with this person believing he has the authority to comment or even dictate how a woman should carry herself. Instead of celebrating us they tear us down, this type of man makes women second guess themselves and that is absolutely unacceptable because our women are heaven sent and it saddens me that situations like this lower their self esteem. I wore this for me! I felt so beautiful and sexy (thank you @mariecollete) at no point was I seeking for anyone else's approval but my own and that's how it should be always. To any one out there that has been a victim of cyber bullying I just wanted to let you know that you are loved, you are wonderfully made, you are beautiful, you are a masterpiece…. Don't you ever let another person ever make you feel otherwise. Continue to be yourself no matter what negativity may come your way. Wait till him see what I wearing tomorrow 🤔 Ps. I love dancehall, when have I ever said I didn't ?!? 🙈

A post shared by Kaci Fennell (@kacifen) on

Kaci’s response to Foota’s comments.

I am so over men taking their fastness and feeling that because they have a bit of flesh hanging beneath them, they are automatically some kind of oracle  and ought to be enlightening the rest of us earthlings on how we should live and conduct ourselves. Foota openly admitted on On Stage to hitting the mother of his child, dancehall artiste, Ishawna. The manner in which he spoke of the subject made it seem as if he believed it was the most natural thing for a man to hit a woman that he is in “relationship” with. Imagine that a man that is so openly depraved found it within himself to be worthy of speaking on what is correct women’s behaviour. 😦

The mere fact that Foota Hype could be so open about committing domestic abuse while wanting to play dress code police for a woman made me wonder about the potential faults of the persons who commented that they shared Foota’s sentiments. We can be so quick to think that we have the right to dictate how strangers should be without taking into mind our own flaws and without considering others’ family background, education, social circles and a myriad of things that cause people to put together their own standards which are subject to change over time.

This article was timely because of the issue with Kaci Fennell, but it is not just about her. It is about women who swear and are told it’s not ladylike; it’s about women who maybe just want to have sex and go about their business. They don’t want a relationship. It’s about women who may not dress traditionally feminine; it’s about the women who cannot throw down in the kitchen; the woman  who seems to be unable to grow long hair while society teaches her that it is what she should aim for;  this is about the tall girls who feel insecure and afraid to wear heels because they are taught that they should be smaller than a man and therefore less threatening. There is so much that a woman is expected to be that seems to cater more to the egos of men than to her own well-being. Women are not a monolith. We do not share the same standards nor do we share the same stories. We have different interests and some of us whether we are married or single want to go to Trinidad and wine up with our butts hanging out. This may not be your cup of tea and that’s fine. You will not be forced to participate but the throwing around of expectations of what a woman should and should not do especially by people who do not know her personally ought to stop. We can argue that we just want the “best for someone” and that’s why we give unsolicited advice but sometimes we really need to know our place and back off. Kaci has a husband, family and friends. I’m sure that the persons closest to her have her best interests at heart and she like many of us would prefer to hear recommendations from people who we have proven to really be looking out for us.

We can make our own decisions. Please respect that.

Ya a pussy!

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Pussy. Some may use this term just as the syllable before “cat”but sometimes “pussy” is used as a slang for vagina. The word “pussy” is also thrown around usually among males to describe a man that is considered a weakling and here lies the reason for this journal entry.

Being in the Caribbean, I’ve heard men call other men pussies for not conforming to what it is that a man is expected to be- a womanizer, tough, insensitive, crude and aggressive. I am not suggesting that the word is used solely by men in this fashion but I’d argue that it is primarily the case. In my own musings on what it means to be a heterosexual male in some Caribbean circles, it seems as if male straightness is incredibly fragile and dictated by some men who are insecure about their own sexuality and overly concerned about the way that other men live their lives. If a man is met with an unfortunate situation, he is expected to respond with anger and aggression. I recall witnessing an accident during the Christmas holidays where someone rear- end another vehicle breaking one of the tail-lights of the car to the front of him. The young man who was hit came out of his car repeating this one line in Antiguan dialect that essentially means, “This cannot be real” or “You cannot be serious.” He said, “Wha da joke ya tarl.” He repeated this over and over in a way as if he wanted to start something with the person that hit him but lacked the aggression and know how on what to do next. I mean, your vehicle was hit. You have every right to be upset but I  felt that in light of persons in typical Antiguan style flocking to see what had transpired and being asked by persons who missed the accident by a millisecond what had happened, the young man who had been hit was trying to appear more upset than he actually was. To not overreact with aggression can easily cause a man to be dubbed  a “pussy.”

Or what of men who prefer hard sole shoes and work corporate jobs? And young boys who wear their pants on their waists and try to work hard and behave well in school? The young boys that don’t get into fights over dumb ish? They too often get dubbed as “pussies.” If you’ve listened to Kartel’s lyrics in one of his most recent songs “Closed Casket,” you’d hear the list of offenses that should be committed by a young man to not be considered a nerd. Why is it that men have to stay on some dumb stuff to be considered as masculine? To be accepted in the group of heterosexual males, your morals have to be somewhat questionable it seems.

Now on sexual practices, a heterosexual male is expected to have slept with every woman in his community for ratings. It’d be great if he receives oral sex from time to time during his encounters but can he give it? What??! No gyal can sidung pan a real man head. A man abstaining from cunnilingus is one the biggest ways to maintain respect from other males because of course it is another man’s concern what a next man does with a woman. Makes complete sense right? Have you ever been to a party and to get the crowd hype, the male dj would ask, “All da man dem wha know seh dem nah suck pussy, buss a blank?” Brah, why you care? If you are a straight male with no intentions of dating a next man, why are you so pressed about where a next man’s mouth has been? That seems to be something that should be of more concern to women who may potentially date men who may or may not be willing to engage in the practice and would be the ones to make direct contact with a man’s mouth.

Also, a man trying to prove himself to not be a pussy would of course have to be homophobic. I do not think that a person not being keen on the homosexual lifestyle makes one homophobic. I think that we have the right to our opinions because in reality we have views on things or on people that do not affect our lives tangibly. However, some men really are homophobic in the literal sense of the word. They are afraid of homosexuality. I remember seeing men opt to give up their seats in the front of the bus because it was deemed gay for three men to sit in front of a bus in Antigua. Apparently, being bunched between two other males could cause one to switch from loving women like Hugh Hefner to wanting to get involved with other men sexually. I’ve actually heard a young woman say that she hopes that when she has a son, he hates homosexuals and that he beats them up. She said if she heard her son say he has beaten up a gay boy, she would be proud. You see, within Caribbean culture, having a son that is straight can sometimes translate into meaning being violent, hateful and overly concerned with protecting ones sexuality by ensuring persons that have alternative lifestyle preferences are marginalized. By expressing these types of traits one can be sure to not be dubbed a weak fence and a pussy. 🙂

I find it to be sad and lame that a slang for vagina is used to describe primarily weak men when in reality, the very cultural expectations of masculinity lends itself to men who are mentally weak, unable to control emotions and resolve conflict peacefully, lack the ability and will to use education to gain upward mobility and a sexuality that is so weak that it has to work overtime to belittle and threaten others to maintain its “superiority.” Yeah, that sounds quite strong to me.

What’s your fantasy?

Jasmine Tookes also known as “Bae” to me will be wearing the Fantasy Bra in this year’s Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. I learnt of Jasmine’s good fortune in a video on social media showing Jasmine being on a shoot with the Victoria’s Secret crew only to find out that she would be wearing the bra. It was quite evident that Jasmine was ecstatic to be chosen to wear the undergarment. Tookes found out she would be wearing the bra in May, however, it remained a secret until last week.

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Jasmine Tookes poses with $3 million “Bright Night” Fantasy Bra designed by Eddie Borgo.

Jasmine’s excitement  about wearing the expensive piece had me thinking that our dreams really are what we make them. Jasmine was excited for the opportunity because it was something she always wanted and worked towards. Sometimes, people try to belittle our dreams, sometimes out of jealousy and their own insecurities but sometimes… people just don’t get us. Being chosen to walk in a heavily encrusted bra may be considered a minor feat to some, nothing to glory about, but it can mean the world to someone else.

So, what I recommend is that you go after your dreams with vigour. You know what you want and what makes you happy more than anyone else does and  you should not feel that you need the validation of others to pursue your dreams. Be fearless and live your fantasy.

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Getty Images

Things I’ve learnt from the Rio Olympics

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Samir Ait Said (Source: AP)

There’s nothing like doing what you love. French gymnast Samir Ait Said broke his left leg on live television during the qualifying rounds. However, Said is anxious about beginning training for 2020’s Olympics. :0 Said also had to sit out the 2012 London Olympics because of a broken right leg. Now, I’m a believer in knowing when to hold ‘em, fold ‘em and walk away but just being in the Olympics is a huge accomplishment to athletes. Some athletes who may not have been able to qualify for their national teams  have sought to represent other countries just to get a better shot at making it to the big ones. Now, I would think that if you can’t beat your national counterparts to make the team, what’s the point in going to another team with lower standards only to wind up at the Olympics to go up against their original competition…but sometimes a person just wants the opportunity to do what they love regardless of whether they will ever be considered the best in the grand scheme of things.

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US 110 hurdle meter gold medalist, Brianna Rollins (Photo by David Eulitt)

 

“Through this mystical communication within, we keep on coming together,” are some of the lyrics to a Buju Banton song called “Hills & Valleys” that I thought could be applied to the similarities that I’ve noticed between Black people from different countries. Seeing the many different black women reminded me of the once trending hashtag #growingupblack where it was evident that regardless of one’s background, there are some things that are just inherent to the Black human and the hairstyles sported by Black women at the Olympics showed that.

Black culture will never die as long as black people live.

 

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(l-r)100m gold medalist Elaine Thompson, silver medalist Tori Bowie and bronze medalist Shelly Ann Fraser Pryce (Getty Images)

Being happy for someone else is a beautiful thing. In the women’s 100 meter track and meet final, I saw Tori Bowie of the USA who finished second, put herself between Jamaica’s Elaine Thompson who won the race and Shelly Ann Fraser Pryce also of Jamaica, who finished third for a photo op. There was something about the way she did it that showed comradery. She seemed to be genuinely happy for them and ’twas beautiful.

 

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(l-r) 110 meter hurdle winners- Kristi Castlin who won the bronze, Brianna Rollins, who won the gold medal and silver medalist Nia Ali who made it a clean sweep for the USA. (Cameron Spencer/ Getty Images)

 

Natural beauty hasn’t gone anywhere. Now, I don’t want to be one to  relegate women to being nothing more than their looks so I won’t. But it is very hard to ignore appearance given that we are so heavily socialized to ascribe value to a woman based on what meets the eye. However, seeing women who were not overdone and focused on accomplishing their dreams was a powerful thing. It was unfortunate to see that some people have not matured since 2012 as they were some who were still hung up over Gabby Douglas’ hair, but Gabby isn’t a model. She’s a gymnast. And her focus was on winning.

Also, witnessing Brianna Rollins, Nia Ali and Kristi Castlin effortlessly slay with little makeup on was just beautiful and showed that there is so much more to a woman than her looks. A woman’s  passion and dedication to optimizing her abilities can make her truly captivating.

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Maracana Stadium Brazil (Source Getty Images)

 

All things come to an end… so enjoy the now. Unfortunately, an athlete’s career can be relatively short in comparison to other professions because of the demands sport can place on the body. However, the glory of it all can make it well worth it. Enjoy the here and now. Enjoy your life victories because you never know what’s going to happen next. Sickness, injury or the new kid on the block might be your next challenge so don’t be afraid to beat your chest while the light is still on you.