Blame it on her


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She creeps into your happy family uninvited and takes him away from the place that he wants to be. The place where he has been given everything he needs from a good woman… but this woman, ugh she just had to come along and “wreck” your beautiful home. She must have low self- esteem. You want to post something on social media about her with #knowyourworth. She must be uneducated, hungry for his money and she must look quite awful. Dry weave, overweight and a terrible sense of fashion. This is how I usually hear women who sleep with married men described. I am not an advocate for cheating but I feel enough conviction on this topic to call this depiction of the other woman as bullshit.

I refuse to believe that women who claim to be as virtuous as they are, “wife material”, virgins until their wedding night, do the house work, submit to their husbands, try to keep themselves up and healthy are marrying men who lack the ability to make the decision of whether they want to stick their penises into people other than their wives. Women, I am tired of you making excuses for men deciding to cheat and trying to make the other woman look more villainous than the man so here I am, writing about some of the crap I hear when women discuss the other woman.

She’s ugly.

Yes and so is Angelina Jolie. The other woman can be any woman. Your broken heart may want to force you to believe that your man delights in messing with an ugly duckling but it says quite a bit if he’d fuck an ugly duckling while he has you at home either way.

She’s looking for a come- up.

Sometimes men become successful and feel that they need a young, hot thing in their life for their ego. But sometimes, it isn’t that simple. He just might be having an affair with a woman who is “on the same level” as him. In my short life I’ve worked at a fair amount of places and I can say that sometimes people wind up becoming very attracted to the people that they spend most of their waking hours with- their co-workers. Infidelity on the part of a man does not always have to be him becoming involved with a subordinate. Sometimes maybe the woman he has taken on this extra- marital affair with is married herself and a mother of four. So there goes your defence of her not being wife material. But sometimes attraction goes further than it should and people wind up looking for emotional support and sexual satisfaction from the people they work with.

She has low self- esteem.

Yet you are the one brooding over her. Okay, maybe she does have low self-esteem but many women do and act it out in different ways. As much as I’d like to believe in women propelling each other forward in the name of sisterhood I know that thinking is more Utopian than realistic. Women have been socialised to see other women as their competition. Women are taught to be beautiful, gentle, soft, quiet, chaste and a myriad of other things which has left a lot of women with low self- esteem… not just the woman who has “taken” your man.

Side chicks need to know their place.

How about your man not inviting her into your place? Once an infidelity has taken place in a relationship, the integrity has been compromised. And guess what, wifeys? The sanctity of your marriage does not rest squarely on your shoulders. I am tired of women saying they are trying to keep the relationship together while the man is doing everything to tear it apart. The man has already been in that woman’s special place. Please pardon her if she now does not know her margins and feels bold enough to step to you.

Coming to you as a woman…

This is you, wifey, making a plea to the other woman to think of the marriage that you are trying to salvage and the children that you have with this man. You of course must tell her that your last child is only one because communicating with a woman that you may or may not know but certainly aren’t married to makes more sense to you than pleading with your husband. I mean, he pledged to honour and respect you, planted those kids in your womb and was there when all 5 of them were delivered but hot damn, the other woman ought to be the one to have some compassion for you. Brilliant.

Karma will get you.

Yeah and I’m still waiting for karma to meet up with the families of those who profited from the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade, reparation and the end of white supremacy. Karma is a bitch but apparently, she is a petty one. The things that she decides to make right while ignoring the many inequalities in the world leave me to question her priorities. If a man is willing to cheat on his wife, I think that it would only become easier for him to continue the practice of cheating even with a new woman. He is who he is and I think that a side- chick becoming a main chick to being slighted by a new side chick just has to do with the character of the man and not an esoteric force called karma.

This post may sound like I am in support of the side chick. I am not. I am in support of facing reality. The cold, hard truth which may be the man that you are with does not love and respect you. Maybe the person you are with right now is a person that you can build a healthy and lasting relationship with but the timing is wrong which has led to infidelities. Maybe we are the problem and are legitimately annoying as fuck to deal with. Men cheat. Women cheat. But when it comes to a woman being cheated on by her man, we need to stop placing our value on how much we think a man can love us. We cannot own another human being. We cannot make a person treat us right. The fun part of it should be someone of their own volition doing right by us. We want loyalty and may deserve it but we can’t force it and we need to accept that and stop trying to blame the other woman for our inability to force attributes of love from a man that we cannot control. Love, relationships and cheating is not black and white. But how about we try to hold the person we are in the relationship with accountable for their actions for a change?